Mommy Groups: The Power and the Glory

The "Pregnant Woman" statue at Irela...

I gave Jeanine Cummins a blurb for her new novel, The Crooked Branch, which just released. It is an excellent, entertaining book, funny and dark in parts (with lots about the Irish potato famine) which everybody should immediately buy and read. You should also pick up THE OUTSIDE BOY (which I just recommended to my daughter), a coming-of-age story about an Irish traveller, and marvel at Cummins’ writing. Anyway, the contemporary main character is a new mother struggling with the  who tries to fit in with some mommy groups, which reminded me of my own experience.

Mommy groups are apparently a universally traumatizing experience among mothers. Everybody has a war story about a mommy group, just like everybody has a war story about poop and vomit.

When Eldest was a toddler, I tried out some Mommy groups. They had age ranges for the groups; she was on the older side. They met at playgrounds and Sea World and the point was for the moms to talk and the babies to play.

Two things happened at the groups: the mothers ignored me, and my kid tried to play with the other kids, but they didn’t play back. The mothers mostly spoke of Their Own Greatness or the Majesty of Their Husbands’ Paychecks, or how they were 100% verified geniuses because they bought a house before the market hit that crazy bubble and, like, THEY TOTALLY KNEW the houses were going to go up.

I tried to stick it out. To get out of the house. But I always ended up depressed and even more lonely than when I first started. Once, we went to a Cry Baby matinee, where you can see a movie for cheap and not worry if the baby cries. I met the mothers at the front and then bought my ticket at the booth. They went in without me.

There was no group for slightly older kids, so I started one. I went to one more playgroup event at the old group, and a mother literally confronted me. “You think your baby’s smarter than mine? Is that it?” she demanded. Such a nice human being.

I’m not sure what it is about Mommy Groups that makes insecure, threatened women even more outwardly uptight and defective. It’s like they suspected I was plotting to steal their husbands or my kid was going to get all the glory (no, and yes, ha ha).

Anyway, that Mommy Group I started went well. In particular, my neighbor Michelle joined and soon another woman, Rebecca, did too. Rebecca and Michelle run their own real estate business now.

After I had Little Girl, I decided to give Mommy Groups one more try through Meetup.

This time, it went well. I found the only group in the United States full of honest-to-goodness, no-bullshit women. I think sometimes dramatic, insecure women join, but they either quit because they can’t take the honesty; or they relax because they know they don’t need to pretend to be the fucking Queen Bee all day and night. And if there is the occasional sneaker who’s still like that, she’s tolerated. And if somebody is really just being unpleasant all the time, they are asked to leave.

In our group, the women talk about the nitty-gritty difficulty of life with young kids. They talk about work and home, how they miss one or the other or how they balance both. They talk about how they’d like to take a vacation but they can’t afford it; but if somebody actually gets to take a vacation people are genuinely happy for them.

In our group, we have married women, divorced women, working women, stay-at-home-moms, work-at-home moms, and combinations of all of the above. There is probably a woman who can give advice about nearly any situation you can think of beyond motherhood. Illness, special education, in-laws, mortgages, jobs, healthcare. Everything and anything.

If somebody has a Martha Stewart-like penchant for Pinterest and crafts, it’s common for women to openly or secretly despise her. But here we do not disparage her talent– we stand back and say, “Go on with your bad self, and make me one of those homemade cheeses while you’re at it.” If somebody loses weight or runs a marathon, I’ve never heard anybody whisper, “That bitch! I hate her!” In other words, I haven’t been witness to the ugly competitive I’ve seen in other groups.

In this group, women seem to understand that another woman’s accomplishment does not diminish you in any way.

For my last two book launches, my Mommy Group friends made up a large contingent of supporters. Nobody’s jealous that I got published. They’re happy. They get the book for their friends and relatives. I never feel like somebody’s waiting to shank me, the way I do with other groups.

So I’m still in this group, though my youngest’s seven. I go to the book club and Mom’s Night Out and bunco and to see movies like Magic Mike. This week, there was Death By Chocolate, which is exactly as awesome as it sounds.

It’s as if we’ve signed a secret pledge, acknowledging the truth that everyone has a unique struggle,  and that we will treat each person with compassion. Which, for some reason, is a quality that’s often buried in others.

Or you can distill it even further: if you’re in a Mom’s group or starting a Mom’s group, begin with the same rule preschoolers must abide by: BE NICE. End of story.

^Note: the picture above was suggested by WordPress, and I thought it was a really haunting, beautiful photo, so I put it in.

Published by Margaret Dilloway

Middle grade and women's fiction novelist. FIVE THINGS ABOUT AVA ANDREWS, (Balzer + Bray 2020); SUMMER OF A THOUSAND PIES. MOMOTARO: Xander and the Lost Island of Monsters (Disney Hyperion); TALE OF THE WARRIOR GEISHA and SISTERS OF HEART AND SNOW, out now from Putnam Books. HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE was a finalist for the John Gardner fiction award. THE CARE AND HANDLING OF ROSES WITH THORNS is the 2013 Literary Tastes Best Women's Fiction Pick for the American Library Association. Mother of three children, wife to one, slave to a cat, and caretaker of the best overgrown teddy bear on Earth, Gatsby the Goldendoodle.

7 thoughts on “Mommy Groups: The Power and the Glory

  1. I went to great lengths to find a playgroup, but didn’t have negative experiences like you. The first year I joined a twins group for the Silicon Valley, but our age group was the only inactive group. I did meet a few moms though for one on one playdates. Next I joined Las Madres which apparently is only up here, and during my free trial period I joined 7 of their chapters (which are by city and year of birth) to find one I liked (I kept one). (Meet Up here wasn’t very useful.)

    In the end, I just made my own mommy group like you. Being proactive is the way to go! First I started running my own Mom’s Night Out, just inviting all my friends who had kids (most of whom I met after having kids from these other mom groups). Most of the women didn’t know each other. And then I made a playgroup out of it. They are totally supportive, great women, and like you said, great resources to boot. When I have to miss a playdate I am very sad – I actually went to one sans kids when my mother-in-law was in town. They’re my closest friends right now in a lot of ways since I see them more than any other friends.

  2. Margaret: Thanks for suggesting two very fabulous books to your readers! I just finished “The Crooked Branch” yesterday—and LOVED it! “The Outside Boy” was already one of my all-time favorites… Both books have so much heart! I thought the anecdote about the Mommy group in the book was sad and disturbing. I was a working mom when my son was little, and we never tried any of these groups—and now I guess I’m glad I missed some of them! Glad you persisted and started your own when your first experience didn’t work out. That’s sort-of how I started my book clubs—‘cos no one ever invited me to theirs! Sometimes you just have to be brave to meet your own needs. Thanks for your story.

    Oh—BTW—my library book club discussed “The Care and Handling of Roses with Thorns” yesterday—and to a person—they gave it a BIG thumbs up! Cheers!

  3. Margaret, our group is wonderful! Before I found it, I was apart of a working mom’s group and I never fit in. My kids were way older then the others and although several of the moms seemed nice, I never connected with any of them. I was afraid to try MMM but was so happy I did. Before, I didn’t have any real friends, at least not any that lived here, and hadn’t found any women I could trust. Since MMM I’ve developed lasting friendships I can count on and consider a blessing. I know there some of the moms will always have my back and I hope they feel the same about me. We really do have an inspiring group of women to lean on, learn from, and cheer for every day. Thank you for writing how we all feel about our group.

  4. Boom. That’s it. Yep thanks for putting it so nice and authorly. Yes that’s a word autocorrect, it means to succinctly and wittily put into words our feelings. I don’t remember signing the pact but I know I must have and I am so glad I did. We so badly need a place we can put our guard down and just share what we need and get what we need. and heck yeah we will cheer you on, we are happy for your success and proud to be your friends!

  5. I’ve been struggling to find a mommy group near where we live. They seem nonexistent! But now after reading this entry, makes me think I’m not missing much.

    There’s this beer garden type restaurant near our place & a lot of parents hang out there with kids/ babies. Yeah, babies & beer, what a great mix! They strike me as the yuck people from your first group experience. I wouldn’t want to hang out with them. Ohhhh I wish I lived near you (for many reasons) so I could be in your awesome mommy group!

    For now I will play along reading your blog…


Thoughts? Comments?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: