Cooking Disasters

I’ve been having a spate of cooking mishaps. Not all in a row, frequent enough so I’ve kept track and saved them up to tell you about them.

Sous Vide salmon

Cooking disaster number one: Hazelnut and Coriander Spiced Sous-Vide Salmon. This looked like a Good Idea at the time. No fishy smell! (Not that anybody in my family complained.) Just hot water and plastic bags and a thermometer! So someday, if I am out at a hot springs and I have no fire, but I have a fish and a plastic bag, I will know how to cook it.

I bought hazelnuts and roasted them. I ground them up with the coriander. That part smelled yummy. I was especially sold by the butter in the pan part, which you can see in the video.

My salmon, I guess, wasn’t the right thickness. It turned to an oatmeal like mush and disintegrated. It was completely disgusting. Not even the cat would touch it.

Yeah. No pics of that. Not that I didn’t think, “Ooooh, I should take a picture of this vomitous ruined meal for my blog and make people gag.” I did.

It’s easier to just bake the damn fish than to mess with hundreds (okay, half a dozen) gallon Zip-Loc bags. It only takes like 20 minutes to bake some salmon. My family loves this Marmalade-Dijon glaze, though Son won’t eat fruit and Cadillac hates marmalade. It just turns into a nice, sweet glaze.

Root Beer Cupcakes

Then, two weeks ago, I made Root Beer cupcakes. I’d found Lorann Root Beer Flavor and thought I’d put it into some vanilla frosting, over a vanilla cupcake, to make a quasi-root beer float.

It says in the Root Beer directions how hardcore this shit’s supposed to be. Use only a drop or two, it’s extremely strong, like it’ll overwhelm you.

I put in a couple drops, mixed, tasted, repeated. Repeated. Repeated. Repeated.

I used a bottle and a half, in just enough frosting to cover exactly 12 cupcakes. Which isn’t very much frosting, doncha know.

At that point, the frosting had just a mere hint of rootbeer, nothing major.

Le sigh.

The kids ate them. They were good, they just didn’t taste much like a root beer float. More like root beer aftertaste float.

Pork Shoulder

Last week, I bought a pork shoulder on sale at Vons. I froze it. On Thursday, I put it in the fridge to thaw, and on Saturday it was ready.

I put it in the Crock-Pot with some liquid and BBQ sauce to cook all day, to make pulled pork sandwiches, which I’ve done before.

When I began pulling it apart with two forks, I smelled something off. Inside the pork, by the bone, there was blue-green meat. It smelled awful. I guess it was on the inside of the meat someplace, so although I inspected the meat,  I couldn’t see it. It also did not smell off when I opened the package. Anyway, I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t like the looks or smell so I threw the whole thing away, and we had leftover salmon (not the sous vide, regular baked salmon) from the previous night.

Published by Margaret Dilloway

Middle grade and women's fiction novelist. FIVE THINGS ABOUT AVA ANDREWS, (Balzer + Bray 2020); SUMMER OF A THOUSAND PIES. MOMOTARO: Xander and the Lost Island of Monsters (Disney Hyperion); TALE OF THE WARRIOR GEISHA and SISTERS OF HEART AND SNOW, out now from Putnam Books. HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE was a finalist for the John Gardner fiction award. THE CARE AND HANDLING OF ROSES WITH THORNS is the 2013 Literary Tastes Best Women's Fiction Pick for the American Library Association. Mother of three children, wife to one, slave to a cat, and caretaker of the best overgrown teddy bear on Earth, Gatsby the Goldendoodle.

One thought on “Cooking Disasters

  1. That’s awful about the roast. I’ve been married, good Lord, almost 50 years, it will be this Nov. 9th, and I’ve never had a BAD roast except for one I left overnight on the counter to cook the next morning. Not recommended.
    I agree with you. Anything with too many steps and that many plastic bags may not be so good.
    Good luck with your coming cooking endeavors. Simple seems best, always.
    Soup is what I really love to cook.
    I stir soup and mix up bread and let it rise and I write between stirs.
    Creativity all the way! Blessings Barb
    Kindle book is doing okay. Paperbacks on the way!

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